I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Randomize
