He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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