Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Randomize
