i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
Is Oprah even human
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
