man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
Randomize
