I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
Randomize
