There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
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