We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
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