some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
well most of my day revolves around power hour
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Randomize
