96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
Randomize
