she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
