remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
Randomize
