mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
