1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
Randomize
