I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
