i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
