I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
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