i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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