i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
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