I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Shes from jersey what did you expect her to say when you asked her if she did coke? Its like asking some1 from a third world country if they are hungry
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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