New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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