Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
