Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
My overnight senior got drunk and hooked up with Kaylee on Sunday. I checked Facebook and he already put down his deposit for next year. This school should pay me a commission.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
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