This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
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