At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
