Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
