the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
