More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
My underwear smells like fireworks.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
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