My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
