I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
SEEEEXXX PLEASE
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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