i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
she smelled like a LAN party
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
