This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
Randomize
