its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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