Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
what is with people arguing over soda or pop? to be honest i thought it was just called chaser
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Randomize
