her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
