her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
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