Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
bhystjhitsjhtiajielrfrhaug
This is sufficient.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
Randomize
