I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
You smell like a Billy Joel song
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
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