onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
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