matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Randomize
