The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
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