My friends, they love my intelligence
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
