I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
Randomize
