he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
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