Ketchup is God's man juice
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
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