I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
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