The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
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