Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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