I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
i dont know the whole gay terminator look is really hot on him
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
