Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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