Yo dont text me then not text me
apparently the secret to your success is patron
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
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